Understanding Coercive Control and How to Avoid it in Your Intimate Relationships
Does the perfect relationship exist? According to the mainstream media and your social media feed, it does— and apparently in abundance. Behind all the perfectly manicured photos of couples smiling ear-to-ear while standing cheek-to-cheek on picturesque shores of tropical beaches, there’s undoubtedly lots of work being done to maintain the health of those relationships.
This is not to say that all relationships are endlessly contentious. It’s to merely point out they do require both partners to do their part to keep themselves and their partners engaged so things can progress in the right direction. Whether it’s learning how to compromise, be patient with your partner’s shortcomings, or any of the myriad of challenges that inevitably come along with relationships, it’s the day-to-day moments that form the dynamics of each partnership. While some may never find that fairy-tale life that’s depicted on television or seen on social media, it’s assumed each person has the ability give the effort it takes to maintain a loving and caring relationship. When that ability to love and care gives way to manipulation and fear, trust is compromised, and personal safety becomes a major concern. Unfortunately, controlling relationships happen too often, which is why it’s important to understand the warning signs of coercive behavior, as well as how to escape before it’s too late.
When people think about abusive relationships, they usually imagine one partner physically assaulting the other person. There is definitely reason to believe physical abuse is the prototypical form of domestic violence, whether it’s because it leaves visible evidence such as bruises and scars or because it gets the most attention in the media. The form of domestic violence that occurs more frequently, but goes unnoticed is the slow-burning, psychological abuse that’s not visible to the eye— and it’s called coercive control.
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse in which an oppressive partner deploys a behavior pattern meant to take away another’s freedom or sense of self. This can include patterns of threats, humiliation, isolation, jealousy, micromanaging, financial abuse, stalking, and untraceable physical abuse such as shoving or pinning to the ground. When these patterns become more severe, they can lead to captivity, sexual assault, violent physical abuse, and even complete psychosis for the victim. Men and women of all sexual orientations are susceptible to being victimized by coercive control, as constant emotional abuse can break the spirit and cause fear and anxiety, no matter a person’s physical strength or size in comparison to their oppressive partner.
By this point you might be thinking that simply leaving a coercive relationship seems like a logical move. If it were that easy, there would be no need for any of its in-depth discussions. According to Evan Stark, the Rutgers University professor and women’s activist who coined the term coercive control, over 90% of all domestic violence incidences lack physical abuse, which can cause them to seem trivial because they don’t have the same medical or criminal justice impact as situations involving physical violence. When the conversation surrounding domestic violence leads victims to think it’s not abuse if they have not been physically attacked by their partner, they tend to dismiss subtle signs of emotional abuse, which can unknowingly lure them further into danger. A testament to this undetectable danger is the fact that 48.8% of women in the United States have admitted to experiencing psychological aggression from an intimate partner during their lifetime, while 41.1% have reported being victims of coercive control. Perhaps the reason these numbers are so high is because the relationship’s oppressor usually blends in the perfect amount of love and affection to offset their coercive ways. This can trick victims into thinking their partner means well and actually loves them, despite their oppressive and selfish intentions.
So, does the perfect relationship exist? It does not. People are human, and everyone make mistakes. As true as this might be, it’s important to be able to differentiate between your partner’s honest mistakes and their divisive intentions. Whether you are looking to break the coercive cycle that is present in your current relationship, or your partner is starting to show signs of coercive behavior, below are some of the recommended ways to take control of your own life and defeat coercive behavior:
- Recognize all types of controlling behaviors. This can be anything from your partner demanding every second of your time, on a regular basis, to them attempting to micromanage your life.
- Get to the root of the destructive patterns that occur in your relationship— is there something you can do to change the outcome or is it outside of your control?
- Assess your level of danger. If you are not in danger, do you think your situation can improve and is your partner willing to make the necessary changes to improve your relationship?
- Set up a safety plan to protect yourself and your children from danger. This can include establishing resources and lines of support to help you escape before it’s too late.
- Find the strength to take necessary action for either improving or ending your relationship. This can include empowering yourself by voicing your opinions more often and creating open communication with your partner or attending solo and/or couple’s counseling.
- Establish your freedom and independence. You only have one life to live. Don’t let someone tell you how it should be lived.
Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, not dictatorships. If you notice signs that your partner is becoming coercive, it may be time to seek help. There are plenty of resources and services that will help you regain your sense of self and escape your oppressive partner.
