Suffering in Silence: Domestic Violence During the Holidays
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means the holidays are now upon us. Whether you’re looking forward to the annual flurry of activities or just trying to survive the rest of 2018, there’s no question that it’s going to be a busy season. It’s the time of year when many people are inundated with travel plans, spend (possibly too much) time with extended family, and eat their weight in (insert favorite holiday food here). It’s also the time of year when stress management is important. While some are capable of embracing the festive chaos, others fight it tooth and nail, which can lead to more chaos—even violence. When holiday tension escalates and becomes physical, police intervention is inevitable. The incidences that require law enforcement mediation don’t only dampen the holiday spirit, they perpetuate the myth that domestic violence reports increase during the holidays— which is not exactly true.
It might be true that police get more reports of violence at homes during the holidays. Factors such as multiple people being in close quarters for long periods of time, excessive alcohol consumption, and an overall increase in stress support the idea that holiday get-togethers are breeding grounds for physical violence. While these isolated occurrences of assault get reported to police during the holidays at a rate of 2.7 times more than regular days, the general lack of understanding in how they differentiate from domestic violence often gets them lumped together. The reason this grouping is problematic is because reports of domestic violence do not increase during the holidays, which means many victims are spending their holiday season silently suffering at the hands of abusive partners.
There’s a common misconception that assault and domestic violence are one and the same. Assault is an act of violence or a threat from one person that creates or holds the potential of immediate harm to another person. This means that fights caused by flared tempers during the holidays are usually considered to be isolated and circumstantial. In other words, when people are on edge, the smallest issues can get blown out of proportion and cause outbursts of violence.
Domestic violence is different, as in it involves a pattern of behavior meant to control or intimidate. While assault can take place between anyone— be it strangers, friends, families, and so on— domestic violence is a crime that happens between intimate partners who usually live together, but can also involve other typical home inhabitants such as children, parents, or grandparents. One of the major reasons domestic violence and assault get mistaken for one another is because law enforcement generally categorizes the two interchangeably. While domestic violence is technically a form of assault, it has its own clinical definition that separates it from being categorized as typical assault.
Though domestic violence fits under the umbrella of assault, it can take shape in a variety of forms. A number of predatory tactics such as physical, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse can be employed by oppressors as a way to establish dominance. While over 20,000 calls to domestic violence hotlines get made on a daily basis in the U.S., that number drops significantly between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. The reasoning behind that decrease has been found to be inconclusive, but there are many possible reasons as to why there are a decreased number of calls around the holiday season.
One possible scenario is that victims do not want to draw attention to their situation while others are feeling the pressure of the holidays. Discussing issues with people could come off as seeming like a grab for attention or it can even get dismissed. The possibility of victims having the integrity of their abuse claims questioned or getting completely ignored can lead to their withdrawal and send them further into the abyss of darkness.
A second possible reason is victims feeling inferior to others by admitting their issues. It’s only natural that people want to discuss the things that are going well in their lives when they meet up with friends and family for the holidays. Nobody wants to be the one who admits that the person they’ve married or been dating is abusive. That definitely has the ability to make some feel like a failure, especially in a state of heightened fragility.
Another possible reason— and perhaps the most dangerous one— is the abuser playing nice for the holidays. While this person does everything in their power to manipulate their partner, they might even go as far as to create the illusion that everything is fine during the holidays. This might make the victim believe things have changed right before they are blindsided and end up in the thick of chaos. This coercive pattern of things changing from bad to good so drastically allows victims to see glimpses of a caring relationship in between all the bouts of abuse, and it could be just enough for them to want to stay around in hopes that things will change. But the sad truth is that these patterns rarely change, and the nature of their unhealthy relationship can become increasingly volatile by the day.
Domestic violence can wreak havoc on the mental and physical state of victims. When the bright lights and festive sounds of the holidays overshadow their struggles, it can send them further into despair. It’s during these times that it’s important to make sure that your voice is heard, which is why creating a holiday safety plan can help guide you on the path to healing. Here are some ways to stay safe during the holidays:
- Be communicative—Domestic violence can make victims feel alone in their fight to maintain control of their lives, which is why having support makes a world of difference. Setting up regular lines of communication with trustworthy family and friends can empower the victimized to speak up when they feel threatened and possibly move them closer to taking necessary action to improve their situation.
- Planning for travel and visits—Traveling with and having to stay with an abusive person can create extra stress during the holidays. It’s always a good idea to plan ahead in the event of an emergency, such as bringing extra money for yourself, knowing emergency phone numbers in the area of your destination, and sending your travel itinerary to trusted family and friends. It can also help to limit or avoid things that may trigger your abusive partner, such as parties with alcohol.
- Plan for time alone—Abusive people often try to keep tabs on their partner at all times, but making plans to get some time away—such as running errands or going to the gym—might give you a little self-preservation.
- Child safety—The holidays can be very important to children, and to make it as special as possible, equip your children with the tools to maintain their own safety. This includes teaching them how to call 911, who to contact if they feel threatened, and how to escape a room or home in the event of an escalating incident.
- Self-care—It’s easy to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of the holidays, and even easier to lose sight of yourself when it involves abuse. It’s of the utmost importance to show yourself some love to maintain mental and physical health while you endure these trying times.
The holidays are supposed to be joyful times, but the sad truth is that’s not the case for everyone. With that said, the holidays are not a time to silently suffer at the hands of an abusive domestic partner— it’s a time to take action and get the help you need to escape your abusive situation.
